Unboredify!: The Paint Drying Project | Making Watching Paint Dry Interesting

0 INTRO

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DISCLAIMER (V.O.)

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The British Board of Film Classification, also known as the BBFC, is the entity in charge of watching, reviewing, rating, and censoring films. Anything it chooses not to rate is banned from showing in the UK.

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In 2016, Charlie Shackleton, then known as Charlie Lyne, created a 10-hour film of white paint drying that he submitted to the BBFC as a protest against censorship. The film would have to be viewed in its entirety, according to the BBFC’s rules.
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Two Compliance Officers were assigned to the task. This is their story.
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1 INT. OFFICE – DAY
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Bumper plays. TOM sits in his cubicle, feet on the desk, and smoking. He is scrolling through Instagram. The elevator dings, the doors open, and JACK walks in. JACK walks towards his cubicle.
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TOM
(ironic)
What? Are you too good for stairs now?
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JACK
(grouching)
Where’s everyone else?
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TOM
(faking dramatism)
What?! Are you too good for me now?!
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Laugh track.
TOM (cont’d)
Am I not enough for you?!
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Laugh track.
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JACK
Oh, piss off! Why is no one else here?
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TOM
Are you serious?
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JACK looks around in silence and tries to think.
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JACK
What’s going on?
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TOM
(laughing)
Oh, boy, are you in for a treat. We have the screen all to ourselves today.
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JACK
Tom, we’ve been through it, I’m happily straight. Plus, no offense, but you wouldn’t really be my type.
Laugh track.
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TOM
(offended)
Not that, arsehole. You and I have the whole theater booked for the entire day.
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JACK
Did Jill call in sick again? I swear she has diarrhea every other day.
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Laugh track.
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JACK (cont’d)
If I have to watch her movies one more time because she has fake diarrhea, I’ll make sure she swallows every last laxative I put in her sandwich next time I see her.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Dark, but no. No watching anyone’s movies. We have a 9-hour date with our worst enemy.
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JACK
Linda from accounting?
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Laugh track.
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TOM
No!
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JACK
(getting angry)
Then whom?!
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TOM
You seriously haven’t heard of ‘Paint Drying’?
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JACK
I’ve seen paint drying, sure.
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TOM
Not literally, you moron. The movie.
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JACK
They made a movie about paint drying?
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JACK pours water into a glass and starts drinking.
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TOM
Boy, and what a movie they’ve made. 10-hour runtime, baby.
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JACK spits his water in TOM’s face.
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JACK
(screaming)
How long now?!
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TOM
(wiping his face)
You’re disgusting.
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Laugh track.
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MAIN THEME

Staring Chris Vendetti as Tom
And Neil Boff as Jack
Alexandria Arnold as Murphy
Robin Pasha as Natasha
Raja Lee as Chris
And Karl Baker as David

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2 INT. CINEMA - DAY
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Bumper plays.
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JACK
So you’re telling me some little shit made a 10-hour movie of paint drying just to make us sit through it to approve it?
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TOM
I mean I don’t think he had us in mind, particularly. I mean why would he care about you?
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Laugh track.
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TOM (cont’d)
It’s his way of protesting the BBFC for charging to classify films and censoring them.
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JACK
Another ‘Fight Club’ fan mad we took six seconds out?
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TOM
Yep.
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Laugh track.
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JACK
Well, why the hell is he punishing us for it? I just needed money and heard the staff here was 70% women.
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TOM
(ironically loving)
And now you’re stuck with me.
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Laugh track.
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JACK
And why the hell did we get stuck with it?
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TOM
You know it’s always random. Now will you quit moaning? The sooner we get to it the sooner it’ll be over.
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JACK
Nine straight hours can never be soon.
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TOM
(sing-songy)
It’s going to take longer if you don’t quit bitching.
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Laugh track.
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JACK
(mockingly)
It’s ginny tik lingir if yi din’t qit bitching.
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Laugh track. TOM presses buttons on the remote. Countdown from 5. A short silence.
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JACK
I’m sorry, I can’t do it! I’m going to go mad!
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Will you relax for a bit? It’s been 5 seconds.
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JACK
(angrily)
And?!
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Try getting into it. I read a study that said 58% of Brits enjoy it and find it relaxing.
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JACK
I will bet you anything Linda from accounting is inside that 58%.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Come on, we can’t miss a single frame.
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Sound of a clock ticking. Multiple overlapping. Sighs and grunts. Shifts in seats.
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JACK
I’m going to kill myself.
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3 INT. CINEMA - DAY
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Bumper plays.
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JACK
How long have we been going?
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TOM
(checking his watch)
Uh… A little over two hours.
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JACK
I swear to God, if a bloody penis doesn’t show up at some point I’m going to be so pissed.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
I can feel my eyes physically burning.
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JACK
I’m pretty sure I can literally see five different whites on that damn wall.
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Laugh track.
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JACK (cont’d)
I think I just developed the Inuit superpower.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
That’s a myth, did you know that?
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JACK
What is?
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TOM
They can’t actually see nine colors for snow.
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JACK
Huh… Perhaps this movie is educational after all.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
The more you know…
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Laugh track
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4 INT. CINEMA - MIDDAY
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Bumper plays. A choked snore is heard as JACK almost falls asleep. JACK grunts.
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TOM
Don’t fall asleep! We can’t miss a–
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JACK
(interrupting)
A single frame. I know, I know… Prick.
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Laugh track. A short silence.
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TOM
I hate that we have to do this and the rest don’t. I’m starting to think Chris assigned it to us on purpose.
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JACK
You think so?
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TOM
Wouldn’t shock me if he used the off day to ask Jill out.
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JACK
You think she’d say yes?
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TOM
She’d have to be too desperate. Or he has some dirt on her.
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JACK
Perhaps he figured the diarrhea thing out.
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Laugh track. A short silence.
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TOM
I wish they had to endure this crap with us.
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A short silence. JACK slaps TOM’s hand.
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JACK
Look at the sign on the wall to the left.
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TOM
I can’t take my eyes off the screen, Jack.
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JACK
(tired)
I’ll keep guard, just look now.
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TOM
(desperately)
No, Jack, I physically can’t move my eyes.
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Laugh track.
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JACK
Come on, just blink and read the sign.
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A short silence.
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TOM
‘If Compliance Officers are in any doubt, if a film is on the borderline between two categories, or if important policy issues are involved, it may be seen by other members of the BBFC, up to and including the Chief Executive, the President, and Vice Presidents.’
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JACK
We can force Chris to be here.
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TOM
(mischievously)
On it.
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Dialing and dial tone.
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JACK
How the hell did you dial without removing your eyes from the screen?
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TOM
Instagram addiction.
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Laugh track. Muffled, indistinct voice answers.
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TOM (cont’d)
(pouting)
Shh, shh! Hey Chris! Just calling because we were having some issues rating some of ‘Paint Drying’ and the sign says to ask our manager for help. Hope we’re not interrupting anything.
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Laugh track. JACK laughs. TOM shushes him. Muffled voice replies.
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TOM (cont’d)
(playing innocent)
No, I’m serious! I wouldn’t bother you if it weren’t necessary.
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JACK
(whispering)
Tell him to bring us lunch.
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TOM (cont’d)
Shh! Um, Chris, could you bring something to eat with you? We can’t miss a single frame and we’re starving.
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JACK stifles a laugh. Muffled voice replies.
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TOM (cont’d)
Oh, Jill’s there too! Is she coming?
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JACK
(whispering)
So he does know about the diarrhea!
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Laugh track.
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TOM (cont’d)
Oh, poor Jill! We’ll miss her! Hope her stomach feels better.
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Laugh track. Muffled voice replies.
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TOM (cont’d)
Great, thanks, Chris. I promise we’re not wasting your time.
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5 INT. CINEMA - MIDDAY
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Stinger plays. Sounds of food-munching.
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CHRIS
I hate you both so much.
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6 INT. CINEMA - AFTERNOON
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Bumper plays. White noise as the movie plays.
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CHRIS
So you guys have been at it for how long now?
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TOM
Five hours.
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CHRIS
Any findings?
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JACK
You know, actually, at the three-hour mark we looked up ‘Ways to find paint-drying interesting’ and we found this one guy who does it for a living.
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A silence.
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JACK (cont’d)
So, basically, his life sucks.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Oh, come on! He made some interesting points. The key, he says, is looking for something, inspecting it, looking for cracks or any defects. He says it’s satisfying. His favorite is wood coating.
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JACK
(interrupting)
Loser!
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Laugh track.
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TOM
No, wait. I think I get it. You know after five hours I think I can actually see the movement and actually anticipate where the paint is going to dry next. Look, try it out, Chris.
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A silence.
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CHRIS
Jack, I think Tom became a loser too.
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Laugh track.
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JACK
(paranoic)
I’m telling you, it’s infectious.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
(sarcastically)
Ha, ha.
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A silence.
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CHRIS
My head hurts. I can’t believe you dunces dragged me into this.
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TOM
(suggestively)
You know, Chris, if you wanted to, you could drag your superiors into it too…
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CHRIS
I can do that?
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JACK
Mhm… Tom?
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TOM
(from memory)
‘If Compliance Officers are in any doubt, it may be seen by other members of the BBFC, up to and including the Chief Executive, the President, and Vice Presidents.’
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JACK
(suggestively)
You can get them all here…
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CHRIS
Oh, come on! You’re seriously telling me I can get Natasha Kaplinsky, the President, to suffer through this?
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7 INT. CINEMA - AFTERNOON
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Stinger plays.
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NATASHA
(through her teeth)
I hate you all so much.
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8 INT. CINEMA - EVENING
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Bumper plays.
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JACK
You know, now that I remember correctly, I read this paper on how watching paint dry can help understand chemical patterns and properties. So this may be more educational than we thought.
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NATASHA
(tired)
Tell me something, Mr. Wilson, are you a chemist?
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Laugh track.
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JACK
Well, actually… No…
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Laugh track.
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NATASHA
Murphy, pass me the popcorn.
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Sound of a bag being passed.
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CHRIS
Tom, what was it you said that kid did when looking at paint drying?
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TOM
(excitedly)
Well, he said the key is finding something to focus on. I’ve been trying it for the past couple of hours and, actually, it’s all been much easier since. I, for one, try finding two wet patches and betting on which one dries faster.
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JACK
You know, normally I’d call you a loser again, but at this point, I will try anything.
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Laugh track.
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DAVID
I actually started seeing a little movie of my own. If you close your eyes a bit, the top left corner is drying in the shape of a house  –with a roof and everything!– and I saw a little droplet move from it to this other square which I made up to be her school.
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NATASHA
No, wait, I see it too!
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Laugh track.
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MURPHY
There’s her friend!
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Indistinct chatter as JACK and TOM’s conversation comes to the forefront.
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JACK
(whispering)
I can’t believe you got the President, Vice President, and Chief Executive of the British freaking Board of bloody Film Classification to hallucinate over paint drying.
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TOM
(whispering)
I know!
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Laugh track. Background conversation ceases. A silence.
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JACK
(absent-mindedly)
Have you all ever thought about the stillness of life?
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Laugh track.
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JACK (cont’d)
You know, just looking at this, I feel like it’s how I’ve been feeling about life for a bit. Just waiting for everything to follow its natural course. Like I have no say in it. No possibility of hurrying anything.
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A silence.
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JACK (cont’d)
(embarrassed)
Or, I mean, whatever, or something…
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Laugh track.
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TOM
No, I get what you mean. Like you’re watching everything unfold like paint drying. Like you don’t have the reins of your destiny.
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JACK
What the hell am I doing here? What am I doing with my life?
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CHRIS
I wanted to be a journalist.
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MURPHY
I wanted to be a news anchor.
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NATASHA
I love the life I’m living.
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Laugh track.
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NATASHA
(cont’d)
What? I’m an Order of the British Empire recipient. I’m not like the rest of you.
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Laugh track.
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JACK
I don’t know, I feel like I’m wasting my time here. Like I will never amount to anything other than watching paint dry.
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Laugh track. JACK cries.
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TOM
I think about it the opposite way actually.
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JACK
(between sobs)
Huh?
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Yes. These white bricks drying remind me to just breathe, be patient. Good things take time and you can’t rush them. You can’t force paint to dry faster.
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JACK
(between sobs)
You can hold a fan to it.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
Sure, but there’s a physical limit at some point. Things need time to get on track. We’re probably going to live to 100 years old, so we still have, what, 65 years ahead of us?
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Hums of agreement. A silence.
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NATASHA
Don’t look at me, for all you pricks know, I’m 25.
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Laugh track.
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TOM
The point is we have a whole life ahead of us, don’t hurry. Plus, this movie can mean anything we want. Didn’t Chris say he shed a tear an hour ago?
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Laugh track.
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CHRIS
Having this much time to think had me reminiscing about Sonya and little Lizzy. I think I’m going to call Sonya the second I get out of here, I miss my girls.
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TOM
This stupid movie had us all finding something nice to think about to pass the time. Whether it be inventing a story, betting on patches, reminiscing on estranged wives and kids…
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Laugh track.
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TOM (cont’d)
Or reflecting on life. At the very least, it meant I got to spend nine hours with my favorite partner.
Aws from their coworkers.
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JACK
(moved)
I love ya, ya dick.
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JACK hits TOM on the shoulder. A silence.
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DAVID
So you guys actually haven’t taken your eyes off the screen for 8 hours?
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9 EXT. STREET - EVENING
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Bumper plays. Street sounds.
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TOM
I can’t believe we actually did it.
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JACK
We’re not finished yet.
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NATASHA
Okay, twits, I’ll see you all tomorrow.
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TOM
Oh, that’s okay, Miss Kaplinsky, you don’t have to come, we can finish it off ourselves.
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NATASHA
Are you joking? And miss the ending?
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Laugh track.
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NATASHA (cont’d)
You’d better come up with some other life lesson by the 67-minute mark, Mr. Harris, I quite enjoyed today’s.
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TOM smiles.
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NATASHA (cont’d)
Gentlemen, Murphy.
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Indistinct goodbyes and walking away.
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JACK
Oh, she wants you so bad.
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Laugh track.

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TOM
Jack, she knows I’m gay and she’s married.
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JACK
Oh, she’s freaky!
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Laugh track.
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TOM
D’you want to grab a pint? Or are you tired of me already?
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JACK
Oh, I need a drink badly. Plus it’ll be good to finally be able to look you in the eye.
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They start walking, their voices fading out.
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TOM
You think she actually wants me?
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Laugh track.
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JACK
You lucky bastard, she was undressing you with her look.
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Laugh track. Bumper plays.
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THE END