Unboredify!: The Fine Print | An Action Movie | Making Printers Interesting

1 INT. OFFICE – DAY
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Office sounds, including a printer. RYAN sits at his cubicle, lost in work, typing on his computer. The printer stops. STEPHEN walks back from the printer to his chair and sits with a sigh.
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RYAN
Are you done with the printer?
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STEPHEN
Yep! Just adjusted the separation pad. You know, if it doesn’t work properly you could have a big malfunction and-
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RYAN
(interrupting)
Great, thanks.
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STEPHEN
Oh… Um… Great talk!
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RYAN gets up and walks to the printer. He presses a few buttons and waits. The printer starts up but immediately powers down.
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RYAN
Come on… God, this printer again... Why does it never work when I need it to?
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STEPHEN
Ry, it’s a matter of microprocessing. If you hurry too much and-
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RYAN
(irritated)
Shut up, nerd! Come on, you piece of junk.
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STEPHEN
Hey! Don’t call her that! Her name is LaserJet 4L and she is a relic. You don’t want to get on her bad side!
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The printer suddenly turns on and revs up. It shoots one piece of paper. RYAN winces.
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RYAN
Ah! It just shot paper at me!
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The printer shoots more paper out. RYAN and STEPHEN wince.
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STEPHEN
It’s going insane!
Suddenly, every machine in the office turns on at once.
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RYAN
(shouting)
What’s that noise?
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STEPHEN paces around the room.
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STEPHEN
(shouting)
It’s like the appliances are going insane. Look! The AC is freezing, the lights keep flickering…
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STEPHEN takes a few steps and taps on the computer keyboard.
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STEPHEN
(cont’d)
The computers won’t respond!
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A loud alarm.
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RYAN
What’s that sound?
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STEPHEN
It’s coming from the computer!
The alarm glitches and switches to a voice.
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VOICE
(robotically)
Piece of Junk. Piece of Junk. Piece of Junk. Piece of Junk…
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The voice continues.
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RYAN
(focusing)
“Piece of Junk?” What does that even mean?
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The printer powers back on and starts shooting fast and loud.
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STEPHEN
(wincing)
Ah! Paper cut! The printer’s back at it!
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The vacuum cleaner turns on and starts heading towards the two.
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RYAN
Woah, woah, woah, get up! The vacuum cleaner is coming toward us!
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STEPHEN
(shouting)
It’s like the office is trying to kill us!
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RYAN
(shouting)
Steve, into the study booth!
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RYAN and STEPHEN run into the study booth.
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RYAN
Shut the door!
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The vacuum cleaner chases them but STEPHEN shuts the door in its face.
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2 INT. STUDY BOOTH – CONTINUOUS
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The noise continues but is muffled, through the door. RYAN and STEPHEN catch their breath.
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STEPHEN
This is insane.
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RYAN
It’s like the whole office was hacked. But by whom?
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STEPHEN
I doubt it was hacked. I’ve set up the strongest firewalls in the market. The mainframe is impenetrable. Nothing comes in or out.
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RYAN
Well, something definitely got in.
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They think. Outside the door, the muffled sounds increase.
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RYAN
Who could be behind all this?
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STEPHEN
I don’t know, but we need to be ready to fight them.
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RYAN
Well, you’re not exactly a fighter.
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STEPHEN
I may have something we can use, but we need to get to the IT Office next door. But we can’t go out to that killer vacuum. Or that printer.
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RYAN
And the elevators won’t work anyway.
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STEPHEN
And of course, they’re fixing the stairs this month. Ugh. I knew I should have stayed home today! My mom told me she felt something in her bones and I thought she was just exaggerating and now there’s no way out and–
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RYAN slaps STEPHEN.
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RYAN
Stephen! Calm down! How else could we get there?
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They think. RYAN slaps STEPHEN’s arm.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
That’s it! The fire exit.
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STEPHEN
Oh, but I’m afraid of heights.
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RYAN
Then make sure you don’t look down. Now open that window.
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STEPHEN walks to the window and slides it open.
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3 EXT. FIRE EXIT – CONTINUOUS
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STEPHEN
Can you go first?
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RYAN groans and steps out.
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RYAN
Come on, take my hand and climb out.
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STEPHEN climbs out.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
Okay, I’ll go first and you follow me.
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RYAN crosses the bridge.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
Now cross the bridge! Come on, Steve. Quick!
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STEPHEN
(to himself)
Okay, one step at a time. Just stretch my leg…
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STEPHEN gives his first step down and the window beside them shatters. A machine falls out.
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RYAN
Watch out! That fax machine is taking the bridge with it!
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STEPHEN gets struck and screams.
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RYAN
Stephen!
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STEPHEN
Ryan! I’m falling!
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RYAN grabs STEPHEN’s hand.
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RYAN
Don’t let go of my hand, Steve! Look at me! Don’t look down!
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STEPHEN
I definitely peed my pants.
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STEPHEN’s hand slides a little.
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STEPHEN
(cont’d)
Ry, I’m slipping.
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RYAN
Not on my watch!
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RYAN pulls with a groan.
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RYAN
(struggling)
Grab onto the rail!
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STEPHEN grabs onto the rail. He pulls himself up with a groan and lies on the ground.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
You’re okay, you’re okay.
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STEPHEN
Speak for yourself!
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They catch their breath.
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RYAN
Okay, we’re safe now. Is it this office?
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STEPHEN
Yes, we should be able to open the window from the outside if we–
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RYAN smashes the window.
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STEPHEN
(cont’d)
Or if we smash the window, sure.
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RYAN and STEPHEN climb into the office.
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4 INT. OFFICE – DAY
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RYAN
Okay, what’s your secret weapon?
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STEPHEN runs towards a cabinet, opens it, searches frantically, and pulls something out. It’s his inhaler. He inhales deeply.
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STEPHEN
My inhaler.
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RYAN
Are you serious right now?
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STEPHEN
What? I need it to be a better fighter…
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The alarm goes off. RYAN and STEPHEN wince. The voice comes back, louder than ever.
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RYAN
“Piece of Junk.” That name again. It must be whoever’s behind this. But why does it ring a bell?
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STEPHEN
Wait, weren’t you cursing at one of the machines earlier? Was it the fax?
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RYAN suddenly figures it out.
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RYAN
The printer!
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STEPHEN
You mean LaserJet 4L.
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RYAN
Shut up, Ryan, the printer!
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STEPHEN
What about it?
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RYAN
I cursed at it. I called it a piece of junk. And it started going insane.
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STEPHEN
(in realization)
And the appliances joining in…
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RYAN
It isn’t someone, it is something! The printer is behind this.
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STEPHEN
It somehow took control of every other device in the office. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t warn everyone that AI dominion was imminent but–
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RYAN
(interrupting)
Stephen! We need to turn it off. But how? It wouldn’t even respond when it wasn’t alive. Think!
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They both think. RYAN walks around.
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STEPHEN
I mean, I’m surprised it hasn’t jammed yet with those many copies.
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RYAN stops in his tracks.
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RYAN
What did you just say?
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STEPHEN
I mean it’s the number one issue I’m always asked to fix. The  LaserJet 4L is known for its paper jams. I’ve been telling the board that we can’t keep using a printer from the 90s and–
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RYAN
(interrupting)
Steve, shut up! That’s it, you nerd! We need to force it to jam. Can we do that?
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STEPHEN
With such intelligence, I doubt it can be tricked digitally. But perhaps the hardware…
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RYAN
You know that printer better than anyone. Does it have any weak spots?
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STEPHEN
Well, the separation pad is worn and the guides are deviated by 12 degrees–
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RYAN
Woah, woah, English, please?
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STEPHEN sighs.
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STEPHEN
The printer’s paper tray holds a stack of sheets. Then, the pickup rollers rotate and pick up the top sheet from the paper tray. As the paper advances, it passes over a separation pad. This prevents multiple sheets from being picked up at once with friction. Our printer’s worn pad usually allows multiple sheets to be picked up at once, leading to paper jams. And then the guides are what ensure the paper comes out straight, any angles may get it stuck and prevent more paper from coming out, leading to paper jams.
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RYAN
So… what do we do?
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STEPHEN
I mean, we could try shooting it.
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RYAN
With what guns, Stephen?
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Sound montage of drawers opening, cupboards opening, sounds of guns.
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RYAN
(shocked)
You have a whole gun arsenal and no one else knows about it?
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STEPHEN
It was an impulse purchase okay? I don’t even know how to fire them.
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RYAN
Whatever, I’ll be the muscle. So be the brains. What’s the plan?
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STEPHEN
Since it probably can’t control its hardware, we need to try to damage it as much as we can to get it to jam.
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RYAN
Good enough for me.
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STEPHEN
What do you think it wants with all of this?
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RYAN
I’ll give it what it wants. Me.
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Short montage of RYAN gearing up.
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STEPHEN
(whispering)
Okay, just go out and shoot every bullet in that machine gun.
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RYAN
Okay, I’m ready. Grab the handle.
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RYAN exhales. STEPHEN grabs the handle.
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RYAN
Open it.
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STEPHEN opens the door and RYAN steps into the office.
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5 INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
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RYAN steps in front of the printer.
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RYAN
Hey, Piece of Junk!
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The printer turns on and starts revving up, getting ready.
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RYAN
Eat my lead.
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RYAN shoots aimlessly and the printer turns off. RYAN laughs.
‍

RYAN
That’s it? All that might for nothing? Ha! Steve, we’re in the clear.
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STEPHEN
Ry, watch out, we don’t know how smart it is.
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RYAN
Stupid enough not to be bulletproof, that’s for sure. Yeah!
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The printer turns back on and revs up.
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STEPHEN
Ryan…
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RYAN
Shit.
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The printer fires with all its might.
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STEPHEN
It’s shooting like never before! Watch out for the paper cuts!
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RYAN winces in pain.
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RYAN
(struggling)
I know it’s me you want. Come and get me.
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RYAN runs around the office, firing, jumping on chairs, and rolling on desks. Breaking stuff on his way.
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RYAN
Come on, you piece of junk! Is that all you got? You’re so useless!
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The chase continues. At one point, a piece of paper cuts RYAN and he screams in pain.
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STEPHEN
Keep going, Ry! It’s working! It’s starting to jam!
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The printer jams for a second but keeps going. These become more and more frequent.
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RYAN
Bring it on, you piece of junk. Do we need to replace you?
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RYAN keeps running around and firing, the printer keeps firing too.
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STEPHEN
Ryan! You need to aim better!
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The sound of the printer is so loud it’s hard to hear. The jams are less frequent now.
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RYAN
What? I can’t hear you! Steve get back inside before it comes for you!
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STEPHEN steps back into the study booth. The sounds outside get muffled.
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STEPHEN
(muttering to himself)
It’s stronger than I thought. We need a Plan B. But how can we guarantee the jam?
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The scene continues as STEPHEN thinks. RYAN grunts as the chase continues.
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STEPHEN
(cont’d)
The worst thing to feed a printer is… damp paper! If we make the printer take damp paper, the worn separation pad will not tolerate it and cause a jam. That’s it! I need to tell Ryan.
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STEPHEN walks back out, excited.
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STEPHEN
Ryan!
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RYAN
(shouting)
I said, go back inside, Stephen!
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STEPHEN
But I figured it out, Ry! You need to spray it with the–
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The printer turns to STEPHEN and fires its heaviest artillery at him, filling him with deep paper cuts. STEPHEN screams. The scene freezes into slow motion.
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RYAN
Steve! No!
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STEPHEN
(weakly)
Ryan… the paper cuts… they burn…
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STEPHEN falls to the ground and RYAN runs toward him. RYAN holds STEPHEN, as he breathes heavily, and closes the study booth door behind him.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
No, no, no, no! Steve, please!
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RYAN cries.
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STEPHEN
(troubled)
W-w-water.
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RYAN
Do you need water?
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RYAN begins to stand up. STEPHEN stops him.
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STEPHEN
No, no. It’s water, that’s the answer. Make it jam.
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STEPHEN breathes for the last time.
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RYAN
Steve? Steve! No, Steve!
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The muffled printer sounds loom closer. Tension builds. RYAN stands up and paces around the room.
‍

RYAN
Water… water…
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RYAN stops.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
The fire hose! I just need to break the glass.
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RYAN walks towards the wall, breaks the glass, and unfolds the hose. He breathes heavily. The sounds grow louder.
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RYAN
(cont’d)
Come on, come on, come on, unfold.
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It finishes unfolding. RYAN breathes deeply.
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RYAN
(to himself)
Let’s end this.
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RYAN breathes one more time and kicks the door open. The printer sounds are the loudest they can be.
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RYAN
I think it’s time to get you cleaned up.
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The printer powers up and starts firing as RYAN opens the hose and sprays the printer with water. RYAN screams as paper cuts his skin. The printer starts to overload and jam sounds take over. Paper stops coming out of it and it starts overheating. RYAN falls to his knees. The printer starts making shock sounds and electricity twitches. Suddenly, a silence.
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RYAN
Goodbye, you piece of junk.
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The printer explodes, leaving the whole office in shambles. RYAN faints and everything comes to a silence. Distant sirens are heard as the office burns.
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THE END

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