Unboredify!: Merry Misgivings | Making Wrapping Christmas Presents interesting

NARRATOR: Roger is sitting on the floor of his living room, by the Christmas tree. He adds an extra log to the fireplace and looks at the cracks and sparks, hypnotized.

[Audio Direction: Soft Christmassy instrumental background. Dropping a log and fireplace cracking.]

NARRATOR: In the kitchen, the speaker sets the mood with Christmas music, and kernels pop on the stove. 

[Audio Direction: Popcorn on the stove.]

NARRATOR: Roger is almost ready for a perfect December night in. The TV is set up for some holiday classics. Just one thing stands in the way.

[Audio Direction: Abrupt end to the music with off-key violin. Ominous music, very dramatic.]

NARRATOR: (overly dramatic, deep voice) Gift wrapping.

[Audio Direction: Thunder cracks. Ominous organ plays. Back to softer music, but a bit unsettling, like Peer Gynt. Starting calm.]

NARRATOR: Roger sighs and looks at the ten gifts awaiting. This has always been the worst part of the season. He grabs the first one: a box that rattles with his nephew’s new toy truck.

[Audio Direction: Box rattling.]

NARRATOR: Should be easy, Roger thinks to himself. He grabs the red-and-white striped wrapping paper roll and tries to pull some. But the paper won’t give. He inspects it. It’s not a new roll, there’s no tape holding the paper down. He tries again, but he can’t even tear a bit off. Strange.

[Audio Direction: Man struggling.]

NARRATOR: Roger isn’t going down without a fight. He puts the roll down against the wall, sits in front of it, holds it still from the sides with his two feet, and pulls with both hands. 

[Audio Direction: Heavy struggling.]

NARRATOR: Roger pulls and pulls, with all his might. The roll is a worthy adversary. Roger pulls again with a loud grunt. And, finally, the first inches of paper unfurl and Roger falls flat on his back.

[Audio Direction: Paper unrolling, a loud thud, and moaning.]

NARRATOR: Roger is confused: this is the paper he always buys. But it’s no use dwelling on it. The sooner he gets it done, the better. He sits back up and rolls out just enough paper to cover the toy box.

[Audio Direction: Box rattling.]

NARRATOR: Roger puts the box over the paper, grabs the outer end of it, and folds it against the box. He picks up the tape sitting next to him, finds the end, and brings it up to his mouth.

[Audio Direction: Box moving over paper, folding paper. Tape peeling.]

NARRATOR: He tries to tear the tape with his teeth, but nothing happens. Weird. Usually, his teeth are as sharp as razor blades. He tries again. Nothing. He tries once more and finally, it cuts.

[Audio Direction: Man grunting.]

NARRATOR: “What in the actual hell is going on?”, thinks Roger. He secures the paper to the box with the tape and repeats the process with the other side. But when he brings the tape to his mouth, he cannot part his lips. He brings his hands to them but they feel as if they were taped to each other. He pats them and tries to stick his finger between them, but nothing moves. Roger starts getting anxious and desperate. He shakes his head, rabidly pawing at his mouth. 

[Audio Direction: Man struggling, paper rustling, fireplace and popcorn slowly growing louder.]

NARRATOR: Roger grabs the scissors sitting by his knee and brings them up to his face. His hands are shaking. He breathes heavily through his nose and tries to calm himself down. He opens the scissors and carefully brings one of the blades to his mouth. He places it at the crease of his lips and slowly traces the gap between them.

[Audio Direction: Tense music, dangerous. Sound of slicing perhaps. A sudden exasperated breath.]

NARRATOR: His lips spring open and he breathes in heavily. His shaking hands drop the scissors in horror. He kicks the tape away from him. There’s no way he’s going through with this. Enough is enough. But as he tries to stand up, he steps on the wrapping paper roll and slips on it, shooting the paper out in front of him and unraveling it across the floor. But the unraveling doesn’t stop. The roll begins to unfurl on its own. 

[Audio Direction: Paper unrolling quickly. Music, popcorn, and fireplace grow louder.]

NARRATOR: Roger watches as the paper crawls across the floor, splitting and multiplying into many reams, covering everything around him.

[Audio Direction: Snakey sounds.]

NARRATOR: He tries to back away, but his socks feel stuck to the floor. He looks down and realizes the paper has started furling around him, starting with his feet.

[Audio Direction: Paper rustling loudly, everywhere. This has to continue.]

NARRATOR: He bends over to take his socks off, but his now red-and-white-stripe covered pants give him papercuts every time he tries to move. It’s starting to make its way up his body.

[Audio Direction: Man wincing in pain.]

NARRATOR: The room turns red and white as the paper gets ingrained into every nook and cranny. As the wrapping paper boa climbs Roger, the paper begins to form a giant cocoon that grows taller than him and covers his whole body like a dome. Everything is now pitch black, except for tiny openings between each ream of paper. His breath quickens. Each inhale is a desperate gulp of air, and the exhales carry the weight of impending doom.

[Audio Direction: Man breathing fast and heavily.]

NARRATOR: He sticks his arm out in front of him to try to tear his paper prison, only to find that the walls are closing in on him. He shouts for help.

[Audio Direction: Man screaming. Popcorn, music, and fireplace are very loud.]

NARRATOR: The paper begins to wrap around his head, all while tightening the noose around his neck. He can barely breathe now. The encroaching paper engulfs him relentlessly. First, it veils his right eye, a slow progression shrouding his senses: ears silenced, nose masked, all within the suffocating embrace of the paper. He feels his strength fade away. The snake is almost covering his mouth. He is ready to give up. The last of his energy is given to his frantic grabs at the scissors. 

[pause]

And then the cold metal against his fingertips. With his very last breath, he grabs it. He needs to get up, fast. But his free legs still feel numb. He shakes them awake with all his might and manages to stand up. He pushes his arm against the walls of the cocoon, slashes the scissors against them, and tears an opening. 

[Audio Direction: Paper tearing, big scale. Silence/quiet sound that simulates slow motion. The last line has to be said in silence.]

NARRATOR: He jumps through the tear. His smile is met with a rush of cold air. And a light that grows brighter and brighter. And the flames of the fireplace that burn the paper that has now become one with his skin.

[Audio Direction: Fireplace cracking, distant firefighter siren.]

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